Saturday, January 31, 2009
Friday, January 30, 2009
Thanks to the Andrews Sisters' face lifts and Botox over the years, their plastic surgeon was able to put his kids through college. And now thanks to an unfortunate Hokey Pokey incident at their nephew's wedding, the sisters' right hip replacements will pay for his retirement condo in Boca.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
"Omigod, the mini skirt again. Ok, Biff, we get it! You're "happy"! You have a lithe & slender girlish figure! The stripes flatter your rock hard washboard abs! The length is long enough to be modest but short enough to spark the imagination! The buttons add that perfect finishing touch....touch....the buttons....must hide in towel.....must hide the wanting...."
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Blonde: "Did she just...I can't bear to say it...burp in public?"
Brunette: "Ohhh...I feel faint, get the smelling salts, hurry!"
Blonde: "You know what this means, don't you?"
Together: "She must be a...WITCH!"
Blonde: "You alert the Council of Upstanding Housewives. I'll get the torches and pitchforks. Go!"
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
or so Dolores thought, after lunching with the ladies. Her ill-fated attempt at passing along the date and time of the next AA meeting was met with an icy stare from Joan, who didn't even remember that fourth martini.
Monday, January 26, 2009
"Hey, Rick. Wanna play Guess What's In My Pocket? George's back is turned, so it's all good."
"I'm already playing that game, Stan. But maybe if you put down that pipe I'll let you play Are Those Car Keys In My Pocket Or Am I Just Happy To See You?"
"Sure thing, buddy. You know how I roll. Ready? In 3...2...1..."
Saturday, January 24, 2009
When Deedee noticed that Brenda had gone a full two minutes without blinking. "Must have been that third appletini," she thought. Just before Brenda hit the floor. Tina never noticed, as she was too busy staring at the Smith brothers, who were cut off after they took to looking for Russia from the back yard.
Brenda's coma lasted about eight months. The Smiths? They were shot in the face during a hunting trip with Dick Cheney. And Deedee? She became Speaker of the House.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Monday, January 19, 2009
"You know, I shorten my hemlines, buy war bonds and build damn airplanes all night long for the war effort. Is there anything else I can do? Sigh. Here. Enjoy a tomato from that friggin' victory garden taking up half my yard. Do you see how nasty my nails look from digging in the dirt?! I'm not even allowed to drive to the salon to get a mani/pedi. Save gas and tires, they say. Well screw that."