Saturday, January 31, 2009

I will eat your soul.

That is all.

Walter told June to give the kids The Talk

and she turned the birds and the bees into wearable art, in three seasons.

Umm, Judy?

"No offense, but since you asked...your ass does look big in that dress."

Julie could handle the hallucinations until The Head appeared.

Friday, January 30, 2009

When the Hokey Pokey goes horribly wrong.


Thanks to the Andrews Sisters' face lifts and Botox over the years, their plastic surgeon was able to put his kids through college. And now thanks to an unfortunate Hokey Pokey incident at their nephew's wedding, the sisters' right hip replacements will pay for his retirement condo in Boca.

Da na na na na da, da na na na..

Do the bunny hop.. HOP HOP HOP!


Or. Yodel ay HEE HOOOO.

Or. YAWN, Madge, I'm REALLY growing weary of this conversation.

Or. Watch me do the robot!

Or.. hmm nope, that's all I got.

Brain surgery?

No problem with our handy dandy hats! One size fits most. Don't delay your errands and his dinner.. wear our hats and continue with your day to day life! Only $19.95 plus s&h. Call now and we'll double your order!

Thursday, January 29, 2009

The Stripes That Slim

"Omigod, the mini skirt again. Ok, Biff, we get it! You're "happy"! You have a lithe & slender girlish figure! The stripes flatter your rock hard washboard abs! The length is long enough to be modest but short enough to spark the imagination! The buttons add that perfect finishing touch....touch....the buttons....must hide in towel.....must hide the wanting...."

The race for the 20" waist


"I'm so hungry I could eat an entire pea."

"Ugh. You make me sick, what with your occasional eating. Cow."

The Worst Thing That Could Happen At Prom

"Becky? Wouldn't you know it.. I think I.. *sigh* I KNEW I would start tonight and I just didn't come prepared! Do you have a.. ?" *fans skirt frantically*

"Yes, of course! Hang on, I have one in here SOMEwhere.." *digs thru handbag*.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

I love your fancy pageant walk, Doris

But until you get the tiara, can you please refrain from doing it at church, cause it's weirding me out.

Got a lil' Captain In Ya?

Drink responsibly!

Oh no she didn't!


Blonde: "Did she just...I can't bear to say it...burp in public?"

Brunette: "Ohhh...I feel faint, get the smelling salts, hurry!"

Blonde: "You know what this means, don't you?"

Together: "She must be a...WITCH!"

Blonde: "You alert the Council of Upstanding Housewives. I'll get the torches and pitchforks. Go!"

The Polite Way to Call Her A Slut

That's right. She's "Very Easy To Make".

Perfect Eyebrow Society Role Call

Madge? Present. Cynthia? Here. Peg? Yep. Lana? It's pronounced LAHna, but yes, I'm here.

Just call me angel of the morning


Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Never turn your back on the Godmother.


Or tomorrow you may just wake up with a severed Barbie head in your bed.

How Not To Use A Party Horn

It never works for getting those pesky popcorn kernals from your teeth. You can TRY, of course, but floss works much better.

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt

or so Dolores thought, after lunching with the ladies. Her ill-fated attempt at passing along the date and time of the next AA meeting was met with an icy stare from Joan, who didn't even remember that fourth martini.

Monday, January 26, 2009

How to get a reputation for being 'Party Girls'

When Dolores and Cynthia brought a friend to the Newman's block party, they never lived it down.

Anyone For Pocket Pool?


"Hey, Rick. Wanna play Guess What's In My Pocket? George's back is turned, so it's all good."

"I'm already playing that game, Stan. But maybe if you put down that pipe I'll let you play Are Those Car Keys In My Pocket Or Am I Just Happy To See You?"

"Sure thing, buddy. You know how I roll. Ready? In 3...2...1..."

Saturday, January 24, 2009

The party took an interesting turn

When Deedee noticed that Brenda had gone a full two minutes without blinking. "Must have been that third appletini," she thought. Just before Brenda hit the floor. Tina never noticed, as she was too busy staring at the Smith brothers, who were cut off after they took to looking for Russia from the back yard.

Brenda's coma lasted about eight months. The Smiths? They were shot in the face during a hunting trip with Dick Cheney. And Deedee? She became Speaker of the House.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

The Passive-Aggresive "Burn" in High Society:


"Why Mary, I simply adore your new bowl haircut. You must tell me the name of the beauty parlor you go to. It isn't called Shemp's by any chance, is it?"

Monday, January 19, 2009

A woman's work is never done.


"You know, I shorten my hemlines, buy war bonds and build damn airplanes all night long for the war effort. Is there anything else I can do? Sigh. Here. Enjoy a tomato from that friggin' victory garden taking up half my yard. Do you see how nasty my nails look from digging in the dirt?! I'm not even allowed to drive to the salon to get a mani/pedi. Save gas and tires, they say. Well screw that."

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Silent but deadly, my eye.

Next time you try a little stunt like that, I'll knock that silly organ grinder monkey's hat right off your head. Got it?

The twins decided it was time.

Time to tell little Svetlana that not only was she adopted from Russia as a baby and not related to them at all, but that she was different. Very different.


Thank god for Vagisil!

At the Ladies Luncheon, Madge pulled Betty aside and said "I've got something behind my back that might help you with that annoying little itch." Betty gave a very grateful Gang Sign as approval.

Oh yeah, we bad. Just like Charlie's Angels.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

What do a Chinese kid, an anorexic Santa, the Swedish Chef and a creepy-ass jester have in common? Yeah, I don't know either.


Monday, January 12, 2009

How To Throw Up A Gang Sign In The Suburbs:


East Side Housewives represent, beotch.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Big Bodies, Small Heads

I guess if you have a body like this you don't need brains.