Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Boxers or Briefs?

"I would totally tap that."

Friday, November 27, 2009

DANG, Ladies!

What you girls been EATING? Who farted?! I mean good LORD!

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

"I've look at clouds..."

Pink Dress: "Ummm, I don't know..."
Black Dress: "No really, that cloud looks totally like a penis."

Don't Stand So Close to Me

"Dude, there's a whole track to run on- what's your problem, bro? Your meat & 2 veg are gonna get a faceful of fist if you don't back off my jock, bro. What? Oh. Ohhhh. Then I'll meet you in the men's sauna in 10."

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Drinking Always Leads To Bad Ideas


"These hats seemed like a good idea when we were in the store. But now? Ehh. Do we look ridiculous, Janet?"

"I believe we do, Mildred."

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Obi Wan, We Need Your Help

Princess Leia cried out for groovy belts, but Obi Wan claimed that just because he wore a robe, didn't make him a REAL metro kinda guy.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

The Importance of Saving Your Receipt


The Johnsons were not at all pleased to discover that the Timmy they ordered did not, in fact, look anything like the model on the brochure.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009


Flower Dress: "Ever since Judy got that new haircut, I dunno, she seems like half the woman she used to be."

Red Dress: "Oh, you are just the worst!"

Monday, August 31, 2009

I Had A Dream

That I was a little blond boy wearing Mary Jane shoes and Joey Lawrence was pushing me on a swing.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Shirley always thought she was like other people

till the day her mother told her she was from The Land of the Giants.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Just Another Day In Suburbia


"You got the stuff?"

"You got the money?"

Saturday, August 22, 2009

2 Things are Certain to Happen at Weddings...


...Someone always ends up in drunk in a corner, alone and crying and someone always busts out the CHICKEN DANCE!

Wednesday, August 19, 2009


Black Dress: "I do not accept your new nose job, Helen. In that, there is no nose left. I also do not accept that you used MY plastic surgeon. My glove is now off. I challenge you to a duel, beotch."

Green Dress: "Shh, don't bother me while I'm practicing being Marilyn. I think the plastic surgeon did a fabulous job, you wench. And furthermore, I would duel with you, but my entire body has been Botoxed and I'm afraid I can't move. If I'm still here in a week, call an ambulance."

Black: "Yeaaah...I probably won't."

Monday, August 10, 2009

They have everything that you need to enjoy, You can hang out with all the boys...

...It's fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A....


Blue: Nice ball handling...

Stripe: Nice rod jerking...

Friday, July 24, 2009

Monday, July 20, 2009

Before They Were Rock Stars...


...the Jonas Brothers took turns modeling unisex sweater vests for Simplicity. It did not go well. And so, a career path into music was born. But the scorned Simplicity lays low in the shadows, waiting to get even. Oh yes, they will get even.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

I guess only Sophia Loren could pull it off...


"I don't know why, but your new haircut makes...me...SO...ANGRY! ARRRGH! Want to SMASH!"

Monday, June 29, 2009

Not Tonight, Dear..

1. I've got a headache.

2. Mother Nature has called.

3. I'd rather arrange flowers than be with you.

4. I just farted.

Bran.. Nature's Crack

Found this old ad in a vintage dress pattern today. Check out the gal's EYES! SHE'S WIRED!!! WIRED, I SAY, WIRED!!

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Mrs. Scissorhands, you do NOT scare me.

You can wave that littlel scissor hand around all you want, but you do not scare me. You don't.

Well, maybe a little.


Monday, June 15, 2009

Only If You're Sure..

Raise your hand.. raise your haaaaaand.. if you're SURE!


That's what you call a one legged lady. Ba dum dum CHING!

Tuesday, June 9, 2009


Little Susie's bringing scalping back.

How to dress smartly for beaming up

Sunday, June 7, 2009



Zombie Billy knew this was his chance to emerge from his dark pattern corner and make a surprise attack on the boys, who were distracted by their exciting "Jets!" book. Being a Lobster Boy was a bonus.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Barbie Goes Stag


That's right, Barbie. They are all talking about you. You have no date to the prom and you lost the title of prom queen. They're all gonna laugh at you. Now's the time to break out that bucket of pig's blood.

Monday, May 18, 2009

The Mind is a Terrible Thing to Waste


The girls simultaneously lost their minds at the exact same time, part 2! (FYI: This is now my favorite "theme" among pattern folk, so I'm sure I'll be slightly obsessive over posting more "I lost my mind" patterns! Deal.)

I'd know it was her if she was wearing roller skates..

Tootie? Is that you?

Attack of the 50 Foot Lobster Girls

Cursed with Lobster Hands.. or just givin' it a Trekkie Wave?

Friday, May 15, 2009



"You are so busted! I totally just saw what you did back there!"

Boating with the Enemy


"As soon as the photographer's back is turned, you are so getting your skinny ass thrown overboard. We should have gone boating ages ago!"

"Ha ha, that's a good one. Not if your dumb ass gets thrown in first, bitch. I'm so glad we're friends!"

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Be Afraid. Be VERY Afraid.

Traumatize your children by letting them dress like freaks.

Pull my finger

*Make Your Own Instruments- Kids' Favorite!


*Instructions for making your own instruments not included. Studies have shown that 9 out of 10 kids dislike this project more than any others listed in the book, including "Paint Your Own Thermos" and "How to Tie a Balloon to a Cardboard Van Made from a Tissue Box."

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Monday, May 4, 2009

Go, go Gadget arm!


It's time for Guess the Illusion! To whom does the hand hovering above Miss Brown Dress's shoulder belong?! Could it be Miss Striped Dress playing the old "tap on your should and act like it wasn't me who did it" prank? Or does Miss Green Dress have a freakishly long left arm?!

On a similar note: either Miss Brown Dress is an amputee with magic hovering skills, or the illustrator couldn't be bothered to finish and is a lazy bastard. Your call.

Thursday, April 30, 2009



Susan was not at all amused at being the butt of Barbara and Alison's "Come to our Dress-Like-Lucy theme party!" joke.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009